How I Discovered Fulfilling Friendships

One day, I was listening to a podcast, and the speaker said, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”

When I heard these words, I stopped. I thought about my life and the kind of future my friends represented. I thought about how I felt when I was with my friends. I thought about the things we did together, and how they’d respond when I would come to them with problems. Soon, I realized that none of my answers to these questions made me feel excited about my future. At that moment, I knew that I didn’t want my future to be based on the friends I had.

I set out to find better companions. I distanced myself from my old friends. It was lonely, but I soothed my discomfort by reminding myself that I’d rather have no friends than friends who made me unhappy. But, of course, that’s easier said than done. After a few months, I really thought that I was going to be friendless for the rest of my life.

I had a significant amount of time on my hands at that point. So I did a lot of reading and listening to podcasts. One day, I was listening to a sermon, and the pastor was preaching on being single. He told the crowd to, “Pray for your future spouse and become the person that you want to be with.” I already had a strong and healthy romantic relationship, but I thought that I might be able to apply this advice to friendships too.

I decided to pray for my future friend. (At that point, I had given up hope on having multiple friends, so I settled for one). I wanted her to be happy and close to God. I prayed for her heart and that she would be kind, patient, and accepting. I also prayed that I could begin to cultivate those qualities in myself. It all felt a little silly–kind of like I was placing an order for a customized friend. But, loneliness makes you do crazy things. I felt my heart aching for a female companion. While my boyfriend is basically my best friend, there’s something special about having a best girlfriend that no man can fulfill.

Throughout the year, I tried out a couple of new friendships, but nothing ever stuck. Slowly, I became even more discouraged. I felt like God wasn’t listening. I convinced myself that He didn’t care about the fact that I wouldn’t have bridesmaids or anyone to have a “girl’s night” with. Then, one day, I was reading the book Uninvited, by Lysa TerKeurst – a very fitting title for that season in my life. I posted a picture on Facebook that showed the book and my steaming cup of chamomile tea. I didn’t think anything of it, so when I was done reading, I went to bed.

The next morning, there was a comment on my photo. It was from a girl I went to high school with. She was a couple of years older than me, so we were never close when we went to school together, but I always liked her. She said that she loved Uninvited and asked me what I thought of it. I commented back. She commented back. Before I knew it, we were having an entire conversation in the comments section of my photo. Eventually, she invited me to a Bible study that she and a friend were starting. I surprised myself when I said yes. A year before that, I probably wouldn’t have committed to it. But, I was so eager for friends that I was willing to hang out with anyone.

I remember driving up to the house where Bible study was being hosted. I was so nervous. But, at the same time, I had low expectations since I basically didn’t know anyone who would be there. But, as soon as I walked in, I was welcomed with hugs and so many beautiful smiles. After grabbing some snacks, all of us girls gathered in the living room and opened up God’s word. Most of us had just met, but we ended up sharing our hearts for hours. I felt such a genuine sense of connection. It was exactly what I had been longing for.

Now, one year later, I have not one, but an entire group of magnificent best friends. We still do Bible study together on Friday nights. Other days, we’ll grab pizza or have a movie night or head to a baseball game with our boyfriends and husbands. What I love is that my friends are happy. They use that happiness to build me up and show me what real friendship looks like. All of them have a passionate love for God. Most importantly, they help me love God. They give me hope for the future.

What I hope you gain from this story is that it’s okay to be friendless for a while. It’s important to find friends who encourage you. I spent a long time participating in friendships that were not fulfilling and left me feeling drained and soggy. You don’t have to settle for mediocre because you’re afraid that you can’t find anything better. Find friends that set you up for a bright and hopeful future. It’s worth the wait.

Have you had a similar experience with friends? Let us know in the comments!

Written by Alana Chibas

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash